Copenhagen -- Out of nowhere, yesterday, the tiny and peaceful country of Smogaria declared war on the Island of Greenland, in a move that threatens to upset the European balance of power. Sources say that the entire fleet of Smogarian destroyers are already en route. Although Smogarian destroyers consist of nothing more than fishing vessels armed only with extremely large bull horns, Greenland’s initial defenses are exceptionally ill-equipped, consisting only of a three mile long, solid fence of popsicle sticks. The Smogarian representative to the UN made this statement on what provoked this attack, “We’ve had enough of those snotty Greenland blagards. You hear me? We’ve had enough of them. Sitting there, thinking they’re so great, so much better than us! Sitting there in their igloo mansions, smirking, laughing, all day long, at us! Having their parties, drinking their wine, sleeping in their fancy beds, all at our expense. Always smirking, smugly contented by the lone thought that they’re better than us! And don’t think you’re off the hook Baffin Island. You’re next!” When asked what their stance was toward Denmark he replied, “Denmark? Who’s that?” The Danish representative to the UN has said he does not understand why Smogaria has suddenly become so hostile towards Greenland and that the best person to talk to is the mayor of Greenland, Rex Widget. Widget who is busy shoring up his island's defenses, made this statement: “We the peaceful and innocent citizens of Greenland stand united when we say that we are of inherently better quality than the Smogarian people. We are strong, intelligent and good looking, they are small, brainless and gross. We knew this even before they attacked us. We do not feel we provoked them however, as they should have realized they were lesser beings.” Most analysts agree, that there is evidence for provocation specifically in Greenland’s “national” anthem which has lines, which when translated, read, “Greenland, Greenland, better than Smogaria. Our people superior, your people dumb as bricks, we smile every day, indeed much of our daily satisfaction comes from they quiet knowledge that we are better than you. Thank you, thank you Smogaria, O thank you for your inferiority and your ugly appearance.”

With war looming only days away, many are curious how the war will pan out between two countries who have only known peace and whose forces have no modern weaponry. Widespread rumor has the Smogarian army bringing over their legion of distempered tomcats. However, the American army’s tomcat expert Harvey Wibble says it is unlikely. “On paper the concept, of course, is very promising, but in the field it breaks down. Handling a distempered tomcat is seriously difficult, not to mention dangerous for the soldier who is wielding him. Our soldiers had no problems with wielding docile tomcats, but after intense study  we scrapped those as a viable weapons since the docile cats wouldn’t attack when used against the enemy. Most just hung limply in the soldiers arms like cooked spaghetti.  Although if the enemy ever attempts to engineer any sort of special-ops mouse regiment, we will consider reopening the tomcat project. But don’t tell anyone, it’s a secret.”

Greenland is reportedly undergoing a crash, combat skills training program. All sixty thousand
residents are taking turns practicing with the island’s only weapon, a pair of authentic
ninjitsu nunchucks. Who will actually get to hold on to the weapon is not certain.

Copyright 2003 Jason Plett